The Trauma Of Heart

" It's strange , isn't it ? How your heart burns.... and burns.... and suddenly turns to ice ."

We spend our whole life searching for the other half . Peeping into other people , eventually falling in them , mixing in their habits , living life upto their expectations and that's where we lose ourselfs . Giving someone every part of ourself expecting to be kept safe in them , making them our first priority and all they do is leave . No matter how many times they say they will never leave , people leave . Promises are meant to be broken .

We try so hard for them in the fear of they wlk away , leaving us torn and bruised . The thing is we can't imagine our life without them even though that's not same from the other part . I think we all just want that one person who would do anything to keep us from swallowing a bottle of pills .

"i would rather be mute than let my tongue dance to the loose rhythm of your mother tongue.
your mother is evil.
don't you know."
"i meet girls like me
with eyes as dark as dried blood clots lips torn.
she rubs her hands on my face
and sees my future’s map.
i ask if the seas still bleed
i ask if the seas still bleed
she says pain will never be a stranger but merely a teacher."
i ask if the seas still bleed"your grandmother’s eyes are browner than your skin
and they water when you sink
and grow when you float to shore."

I did the same thing , underestimated myself to become perfect in my partner's eye , masked myself with false makeover and burying my emotions under his pretending love . My mental health had a drastic falldown by being in the relation with a guy who still pointed out mistakes with the perfect me and every night I would weep and mourn over the death of real me . I never noticed the effects till I was in the relation . He was cheating on me , my friend told me , they were right in front of me but I was blinded by the love towards him , trust that i got on their side and made fun of myself infront of everyone . Depression , high functioning anxiety broke me down each day and one day I found bathing also a very difficult task . Smile was lost , happiness was illusion , all I got left was with pain and suffering .

Each day was the worst nightmare I lived in , I stopped talking and me smilling became rare . He never cared , I took the path of self harm because that was the only pain I could control . I hated him but I don't wanna be alone . I got stuck in the turmoil of Hate , Anger , Harm and Love .

Now instead of hating him , I started hating myself . I punished myself each day with more anger and guilt . Guilt that I was unable to leave him even if he was destroying me , cheating me , abusing me . I feared his anger and was afraid of his Yelling and abusing . I got weak and broken . Even the slightest sound I heard and i was trembling in fear . I started writing my thoughts out , I scream on the paper and bleed in the bathroom . Here are few lines of my poem 'HAASH'

Silence is dangerous but i'm trying to speak ,
blades on my lap and my handkerchief filled with violence and guilt ,
My senses are numb and my head is exploding ,
counting tears as they fall ,
my soul screams inside my body .

• -Vanshita