Victims Of Life

A problem I want to address, have been subconsciously addressing in all my articles, and I feel really needs to be worked upon.

I have talked about therapy before, and the audience I want to reach out to won’t be reading these articles and that is pretty much the problem. All the episodes we make on Satyameva Jayate or Crime Petrol or shows which take up social stigmas and issues of crime, alcohol or drug abuse, don’t really reach the addicts or criminals who needs to reform right. The alcoholic is actually still hungover from last night to sit in front of TV and watch an episode telling it alcohol is bad. The criminal might be watching yeh rishta kya kehlata hai for all we know but definitely not crime patrol. They know it all, come on. They can write an episode, rather.

Similarly, this article is for people who are not going to therapy, because of which people around them need to go to therapy. Because that’s pretty much how it works, unfortunately. The world has people who are working on themselves and trying to help others, and then there are people who, well, think they are perfect, and life has been mean and unfair to them. Who know they are wrong, but they don’t do anything to change it because in their head, they think the injustices happened to them gives them the right to behave in whichever way they want.

Life is unfair, there are no two ways about it.

Optimism, selflessness, hope are all ways of dealing with it. But they don’t change the fact that every person has to face immense hardships. Be it rich or poor, pretty or ugly, the most popular one or the loneliest. There are people who have had abusive households, who have faced child abuse or rapes, seen crimes in front of them which they can never forget. There are people who were victims of war, terrorist attacks, riots, robbery, natural calamities and lost families in it. The brutality in this world has crossed all its marks, but was it ever really in control? Unimaginable things are happening and most of us suffer the most because of situations which were nowhere our fault. We lose our families, we face deaths, injuries, sickness, disabilities, poverty, all the issues which are very real.

Issues not considered very real are mental abuse, bullying, social media, toxic friendships and families, but a lot of people are dealing with it everyday and is also very unjust, and definitely takes a toll on you. We are all victims at some points in our lives. Victims of situations, places, people, with no fault of our own except probably just not knowing better at the time.

The chain reaction

It’s a chain reaction, and you have to decide what you have to propagate further. Because the truth is, the biggest bullies are usually the ones who were bullied in their past, either at homes or in other surroundings. The people who make most fun of people, body shame them, make jokes on height or weight or color, are usually the ones who were shamed for something similar at some point in their lives. Biggest heartbreakers are the ones who once loved someone deeply and got their heart broken. In wars, you will be surprised to know how many women rape women, only because they were raped. Most, not all I agree, but most criminals are victims of the society themselves, having seen domestic violence or abuse in childhood.

We are all in the same boat

I am not here to justify anyone’s actions; in fact, the entire point of the article is to prove the contrary, so bear with me. We all are victims and we all have had, at some point, a valid reason to go wrong. We all had the opportunity to be on the other side, the dominating perpetrator side of the scale with someone, we all had someone we could’ve bullied to redeem our confidence and sound funny, we all could’ve just enjoyed the attention from people and break their hearts when we got bored of them. As Sansa Stark said, there is no justice in the world, not unless we make it. And it’s so lucrative. It’s so lucrative to lose yourself in your misery and retaliate. To hit back and lose all your empathy. If I learned how to deal with it, so can they. So what if I am mean to you, you should know how to take a joke. People made fun of me all my life and I learned how to take it, turn it around and be popular nevertheless. Umm, no. You just became a part of them to survive, and no that’s not the only way to survive.

Acceptance and Ummm, please mind your own business

It’s staggering, disapointing, and saddening to see the number of people who just refuse to deal with their past. People just refuse to see the toxicity in their lives, their toxic relatives or friends or partners, because they are just too attached to them to leave them now. They refuse to face the fact that what they faced were wrong, and because they can’t stand up to their source of toxicity, they start lashing it out on other things around them. The people who moral police other people, who think they are caretakers of the society and religion, well I want to ask if you were really that passionate about the subject then why are you not contributing to it with real jobs and education?You can make a difference without being a tyrant in someone else’s life. God doesn’t need you to defend him, your religion and this society has existed long before your entire family line was born. So, trust me, you sharing those WhatsApp forwards with no facts is not going to make any positive difference. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, and I won’t judge you for having one. You are really disturbed about anything, go file a PIL. But it’s a reflection of what kind of live you are leading, how little control you have over your own life, your own professional and personal successes and failures, that you just end up resorting to control other people’s lives.

Damage Control

It’s time we do the bare minimum. If we can’t control the traumas of our lives and can’t turn it into our motivation to ensure it never happens to anyone else, it’s fine. But the bare minimum we can do is stop its affects with us. We have to ensure the chain breaks. Us being the victims doesn’t allow us to victimize others. We owe this to ourselves, to the people who loved us and rooted for us when everyone gave up, to every good thing that happened to us. Because we are not dealing with it, we are affecting our kids, our parents, our friends who loved us and making them all go to therapy. The bare minimum we can do, is recognize we are affected and victimized by something. We need to acknowledge that something bad happened to us which we didn’t deserve. It wasn’t our fault. And yes, there are always people with bigger problems, but that doesn’t make our problems insignificant. I don’t know when we became so heartless to ourselves. All the good things in the world can never make up for the empathy and compassion you need to have for yourself. It’s the very first thing we lose when we suffer. We lose connect with ourselves. We don’t sympathize with ourselves enough because it makes us relive the pain. But are we really free of the pain if it keeps us away from ourselves? If you don’t love yourself, your life is going to be a living hell for you and people who love you. You need to stand up for yourself. I am not asking you to cause a revolution. I am just asking you to turn back and face your life.

To friends and family of the survivors.

No one talks of your suffering. How you are expected to endure because they have done so much for you and have suffered more. No, it doesn’t mean you have to endure it. Being family means being a support, and also showing them the right path when they stray. When you endure, you encourage their behavior. You tell them it’s justified the way they are treating you. No matter how much you love someone, protect your dignity. No situation gives anyone the right to cross that line.

You can’t save other people. Unfortunately, you can’t. You can be with them, and not abandon or hurt them. But there is a very thin line to that, a line most of us are not able to recognize. These are complex emotions which we learn to deal with the hard way. But it’s a request. You need to walk away and protect yourself when your loved ones are hurting you without your realization. When someone is bullying you due to their traumas, you have got to call it out or just walk away, but don’t let it affect you. Just don’t. You have to stop the cycle with you. Even if you can’t break the wheel, you have to ensure you don’t propagate it.

Speak up

You are not a bad son if you are calling out to your parents that their patriarchal views are wrong, or telling them, while you are extremely grateful of their sacrifices they made only for you, there is no point of this life if you don’t get to choose your own right and wrong. It’s a waste of their sacrifices. You are quiet thinking I can’t talk back because I owe so much to them and now you have to dedicate your life for them. But trust me, it’s better for everyone in the longer run if you learn to take responsibility for your happiness and actions, and not make someone else’s opinion tell you what is right or wrong, even when they are your parents. It’s not much when it’s just you, it seems like an easier option to just compromise and avoid conflict. But you will have family someday, kids who will look upto you, and chances are you won’t be able to take a stand for them also. Worse, you may even become your parent. We saw Monica’s mom right.

I know it’s difficult to hurt our loved ones. To tell our parents they are wrong. To tell our friends or partners that their reaction to their issues are really affecting your mental health. But if you don’t, you will only end up hurting more people, and leave with a scar for life. Choice is yours.

Final Note. I am sure most people have given up reading this article but still.

See, its always easy and sometimes the most you can do, distracting yourself from your problems. But if you see yourself repeating problems, if you see you have to hurt people with no fault of theirs, or you have to give up good things in life again and again, chances are you are traumatized with something. Life doesn’t give many second chances. If you disrespect any good thing in your life, it won’t come to you again. Be it love, money, success or fame. If there is something stopping you to embrace and respect the good things, don’t abuse your luck. Face your demons before you lose something you end up searching everywhere all your life. Face your damages, realize what is victimizing you and put an end to it, or it will be your end. If it’s hurting today and you think you can’t deal with it, best is to just let it be, at least be aware of it. Don’t be a prisoner of delusion. Wait for the time when things favor you and you get to take a stand. But don’t be under illusion that one day everything will just simply go even if you don’t do anything. It will keep getting worse. And if you are already pushing the beautiful things life offered you, I guess you are already delusional. Because if you knew better, you would’ve made it your strength to deal with it and not the reason of your pain. We remove things because we think they cause us trouble. But the trouble is lying somewhere in our lives all along, isolating us, and feeding on us. I know it’s difficult to face your demons. But if you don’t, you will be victimized everyday all your life. If you face it and finish it once and for all, you will begin a fresh new life, which is finally free, and completely yours to conquer.