Sending Words To Heaven

Dear Ma,
Hii. How have you been? I miss you a lot. It’s been a while since we’ve talked, right? Things have been better since the last time we talked. Even then, I’ve known much better days. I’m getting better at handling pain. I don’t succumb to the ways I used to when you left me.

I guess I would never understand why you did what you did. My intellect doesn’t reach such depths. I wish you could’ve talked to me about it, though. Maybe I could’ve helped? Was it because of something I did? Or did you have different plans altogether? I don’t know what to think, Ma. It’s driving me crazy. It’s been 6 years now and I still get nightmares and have hallucinations. Not from those tablets that people said will kill me but from that night - or day, it was? I don’t know. I can’t seem to remember. People told me that memories never fade away and that I’ll always have you by my side because of the memories. They lied. I close my eyes and try to outline the shape of your face. a perfect oval. Then I try to recreate your freckles. I loved them. I manage your lips, nose and even your eyebrows. But your eyes are what troubles me. I mess them up everytime. I don't know if they should be happy or sad. It's been just 6 years and I'm unable to envision her face as it was. How am I supposed to remember our memories till the time I die?

But some memories- they are still fresh in my mind, like it happened yesterday. I still remember the panicked look on Pa’s face. You know how he panic’s so easily. I remember being confused as hell as to why you were lying still. I saw a pool of blood surrounding you and even though I was just 9, I knew that wasn’t right. Pa says you died because you were sick. Well, Pa doesn’t know that I’m smarter than that. I saw the lines on your wrist and now I know what it meant. Why though? Was it because I was troubling you too much that day? Or were you done with me and Nihar always fighting? I’m sorry. If you would’ve told me I would’ve never done anything like that. Ever.

I saw Pa crying yesterday and it was heartbreaking. He misses you a lot. I guess he’s just as confused as I am. Or does he know more than that? Nihar says he doesn’t remember much about you. But who knows, maybe he’s lying too? Like all of us are. Pretending like our lives aren’t a big fat mess. We don’t talk about death around here. Especially yours. I really wish we did, though. Maybe it would’ve helped us to cope a little better? Everyone knew what it was, yet everyone chose to pretend like it was nothing. It’s so frustrating to live a life of lies. I hate Pa for that. I wish he talked to me about it. We could’ve cried together. Not one day since you dies, did he talk to me about you. This, for a while confused me with him not loving you enough to grief your loss. But now I guess I know better.

God is cruel. Isn’t he? I always believed everything happens for a reason. But sometimes it’s so hard to find a reason when the pain is much greater. I searched for a reason this time and I got nothing. I don’t want to make you feel bad. That’s not my intention. I know you might have had your reasons for why you did, what you did. I still love you enough to wish you happiness wherever you are. I just wish, it was with me; with us. It just pains me to think that you were so unhappy and that we weren’t enough for that pain to go away. You deserve so much and I’m so sorry you didn’t get it.

I still hope that this is a bad dream and that you’ll come wake me up for school in a few minutes. Oh how I hated that! But now, I’d give up anything for that annoying morning call of yours. So if this is a damn dream, wake me up soon.

NOTHING.

Yours truely.