Feelings

Lately, I have been feeling a lot of feelings

Not really knowing their meanings

I know, they just come and go like a flash

But really, they make me feel like a trash

I am not being able to find words for them

They just force me to shut and pretend.

I try to covey them to someone

But when I look around I have no one.

And when I do gather the courage to talk

People say I'll be fine and they just walk

They hear me but no one really listens

They come with their 'good' advice which really does nothing.

I know, good days will come but what about the bad days that I am living?

I know, I'll be happy again but what about the feelings I am currently having?

I am not blaming anyone for not understanding me

Because I can't really understand myself either

It's a mess, I know, I might even be a burden or too much for someone

But I am a human, after all, I can't be all happy and bright every fukcing day

I am a human who goes through emotions and I am allowed to have a bad day.

I need to feel these emotions, I can't just sit in silence and let them eat me up

I need to go and grow through them and pick myself up

And I don't need someone to do it for me,

don't get me wrong.

I just need someone to be with me

While I do this for me.

Someone who watches me improving and picks me if I fail

Who doesn't always needs my words to understand.

But their touch is enough as if I am braille.

And if somehow I do speak

Then they say to "be strong"

But they don't know

How much courage is needed

To say what goes through my head.

I don't want another person to say this

Cause I say this to myself every day.

Rather I want someone to listen,

To listen to what I go through every day.

Asking me to be strong and not think about it

Oh my god! Great advice, I never thought about it.

But trust me, if this was this easy

I wouldn't be talking about this

But here I am trying to pour my heart out

Telling you how I am a burden to myself

How my thoughts are against me

How they control me

And stop me from being me.

I don't know who I am anymore

I am fighting, but I don't know what for.

It's a war inside my head

And even if I win

It's me who loses in the end.

If you are the one to whom I tell about my demons

I have thought about it a lot

I have chosen you from all the people's slot

So I expect very little, not a lot.

I expect, that you listen

Not just my words but my silence

And even if you don't understand it's fine

Because I have to solve this problem, it's mine.

But just listen, listen for sometime

It might help me

Knowing that you care for me.