Before I could proceed with the thought though,the song playing in my ear changed to the Avengers theme music I’d downloaded.
Suddenly I was doing the rest of the lunges, with renewed energy and my chest swelling. By the end of it I had newfound respect for the actors and actresses and their stunt doubles because this whole thing...yeah,it’s really,really painful.
And so,by the end of that session, my legs were so wobbly I could barely walk,like all the strength had sapped out of them and leaked into the atmosphere.Somehow, I crawled up to my house,somehow I made it through the day,all the while in worlds of pain,but too preoccupied to rethink the ‘why' of it all. A good night’s sleep later,it’s so stiff and painful,even my butt hurts.
When I had to give up on peeing because it hurt to sit,I flopped on the bed and started to think. Why had I put myself through all this agony?
Thinking back to why I began,it’s not for me.It’s for someone else. To not have to deal with someone else’s opinions,their unkind words, their judgements. It’s annoying to deal with, I have to constantly keep myself in check so some rude response doesn’t escape my mouth. It’s not like there aren’t other things to ask me or talk to me about.Or talk to my parents about. If I think of my relatives, I can’t really blame them because they’re small minded people living in a small world of their own where they probably don’t put so much thought into saying something to someone.They probably don’t mean any harm either.
But it does bother me a little,no matter how much of a saint I try to be about it. It bothered me enough to try and do as much as my cousin was doing,as dumb as it was.I should’ve taken it a little easier,but I didn’t.Urgency and anxiety had gripped me in that moment, a little self loathing had leaked in because why had I not done anything to fix my body? I should start today.I should push through it as fast as I can.
First of all,what’s fix?To fix something there has to be something wrong with it.And yes,it’s best to lose weight and maintain a healthy lifestyle,of course it is, but I can do that in my own sweet time,can I not?I have two months to stay at home where I’m on a low junk food diet,which I’m actually thankful for because I can feel the difference.But that’s not exactly what I was worried about,was it?
No,I was worried about what they’d say when they look at me,of the opinions they’d form based on what they see. Even if I’m perfectly healthy at the moment,what they’d care about and judge is my waistline.The way clothes hang off of me.The way my jeans fits,the size of my arms and thighs, my double chin.Its not my health people are immediately thinking of when they say ‘you have to slim down',it seldom is. The problem is that I don’t have a thigh gap,but I have Matthew,that I don’t conform to their ideals of what a young twenty year old girl should look like.
Who set these ideals up anyway?Who said that I have to have toned arms and toned legs and a toned stomach,a thigh gap,preferably white skin,long luscious hair and perfect teeth to be deemed right?
And if I don’t adhere to these,there’s something wrong and it has to be fixed?