Intercourse with the time has proved my regret 'honest'. Well, I'm discussing it with myself and mentioning in my essay here. It's something against my parents. Being their own part /because being their part, I've suffered a lot.
In the years of 94 and 95, when we were in Bangalore; I remember my father beating my mother. Later, he asked me to give her water.
Another incident I remember is that, we were in auto and my father was beating my mother and my sister was crying. Even I was crying. After reaching home my father asked my mother to boil water to bath.
"In the same Bangalore, in Air Force quarters, my dad was teaching moped to my mother".
In Gorakhpur, Air Force quarters, one evening fight happened. My mom wanted to leave to Hyderabad.
In Jamnagar, 2004/5 we literally went to railway station leaving my father. Neighbors came to negotiate and then we went home.
In Rajahmundry, in 2006 and 2007, many fights has occurred. After my metriculation in 2008, we've moved to Hyderabad. 2009 and 2010 and later, as I had mobile phone with VGA camera, I was able to shoot or record my father beating my mother. I've saved them in my Google drive.
In these years, every function and event has been objected by my father and we could not attend. Marriage, death anniversary offerings and every other ceremony happened.
Now, I'm an individual and I'm away from them.
In these two decades I've scolded my father for years. I've scolded my mother for years. She has cried for decades.
Now, she says that it all happened due to planetary positions.
Even today, my dad doesn't seem to want my progress. He has always been over protective.
Now I'm an adult and is learning as many worldly things as possible.
Once, I've been to Saraswati temple in Vijayawada where there was some tradition of writing on a small wooden board. I was simultaneously following to put the hair on eyebrows or on the eyelids on my wrist and ask some wish and blow it away.
My father left drinking (he has observed some gastric troubles too)...
In these days, I never had any friends to share these and literally I was needing one.
I lasted for list and love as well, which still continues.
Nothing like struggle but I missed all my childhood in their fights. Now, we've plans to visit places. Even then we did, but my dad was drunk in Diu. In Rajahmundry, we never did.
I was never worried or bothered about motor vehicle, bikes, cars, I always had house- we could never live in!
"Still I managed to extract happy moments from life".
With the rejected days, my wild passions grew ablaze. Writing poetry, small earnings, passion to learn, sending my works here and there; praying to get them published... Received rejection letters from "Swati" magazine (for which I was literally more than happy as they've read).
My regret is that, my youth is over. They grew old. Not sure of how much we're gonna enjoy. Of course we've visited Golconda fort and zoo park several times in Hyderabad but it doesn't satisfy me. We went to Sri Sailam this year in January.
Whenever, I was asked to speak on "my father is my hero" in every interview I've attended, I could never answer.
When I was working in Amazon, one evening my father said he was not happy with my job. I said " I've cleared something which many couldn't! (Amazon interview)". He was never satisfied. Now, if I'm going away.i.e. to other states, he stops me. Asks me to stay.
My behaviour was like I'll be scolding my mother everytime and never the outsiders who hurt me. I realised. From then, I scold everyone who hurts me and I stopped scolding my mother.
I was so scared, not sure about the reasons but... Always, there was something scaring me except my decisions with respect to job and work.
The only thing always motivated me was my fear for future, passion and 'never to fail' zeal in my arts. And a settled life ( of course I wish for).
Still, regret is a regret... My grandmother passed away, I was unhappy with her rude and egoistic behaviour. And of course the fights my father did because of my grandmother ( some land issue).
Certain things ruin life uncertainly.
What holds me together and what I hold is the capability to earn job at any given time and wish to have a great wife. Even today, my mother is nothing less to me than a goddess.
One surprise was that, one of my colleague, in 2016 has asked me "do you speak with your father?", I said No! The next question he asked me was, "do you cry, if someone dies?". I said No because just a couple of years ago my grandmother passed away and I didn't cry. How did he knew those things in a month span is still my question.
Many things happen in life and should happen.
There's nothing to conclude or introduce about my regret no more!
Pvpd Sri Harsha
Golden Dream Children School
Malwara Rajasthan 343039