I Am A Human

I really have lots of thoughts

That I want to express, want them to get out.

Put all of them in words

And want people to hear me out.

But then I think,

why would people wanna listen to me?

What benefit would they get from listening to my thoughts?

What will they think of me when they listen to my mind clutter?

Which is sometimes difficult for me as well to understand but I do mutter.

Mutter my all thoughts, slip them in my few conversations thinking someone would get them.

But no, no one pays attention to me simply because I am happy, right?

I don't directly say things because

I don't wanna be a burden on someone.

I don't want them to think as if I am being a sappy person.

I don't wanna people to say hey! Look she is sad.

Because I have always been this happy, cheerful girl.

I listen to people, help them whenever they need me.

Randomly ask them if they are fine or is there something bothering them.

And most of the times after this question they do come out.

I do say I can't solve their problems but I can listen to them.

And it comforts them knowing that there is someone who wants to listen.

I comfort them with words I wanna be comforted with.

Because I know how it feels to not to have someone to listen to you.

So, I become that person for someone.

But after that they forget me. No one asks me how I am.

And now it has just become a vicious circle.

I end up feeling more lonely than ever.

People think about how I can have a problem because I am smiling and laughing all the time.

But what people don't know is that it's all a mask.

Mask which covers my all misery.

People think I am just happy, with no problem.

What they don't think is I am a human too.

With problems just like you.

I too have been through some shit.

Which sometimes very badly hits.

My thoughts surround me like a ghost

They are so overwhelming that they have become my host.

I no longer control them, they control me.

Making me feel terrible as if I am nothing.

Sometimes I cry at night,

I do think of picking my phone and calling somebody.

But then I think what if they are busy?

What if they were doing something fun and I bombarded them with my problems which are not really theirs to solve.

So I put my phone down and I drown.

Drown in my own thoughts and let a piece of me die

Every time, every freaking time.

You know, being vulnerable is what I don't like, being weak is what I don't like.

But still, my life puts me into a situation which forces me to be weak, to be vulnerable.

I guess it a sign from God, that this is what I need.

But then it all comes down to one problem.

Do I really have someone in my life who wants to listen to me?

Maybe I have and I have not realized yet.

Maybe they are far and we haven't met.

Or maybe I'll stay like this forever.

Fighting my own battles

And one day it will all be over.

But I haven't lost my hope as of now.

I still think I will get through this.

Maybe alone or maybe because of someone.

But I'll keep trying and maybe someday the world will realize I am a human.