The Effects Of Childhood Trauma On Relationships In Adulthood

Our younger years shape every aspect of our adulthood. If we grew up in a healthy home, then our relationships, career, finances, and overall well-being are typically in good condition. However, if we had an unhappy childhood or survived abuse, we may struggle in some of those areas.

Childhood is a complex topic but inevitably shapes the rest of our lives. Though childhood abuse and trauma do not guarantee an unhappy life, they can present many challenges throughout adulthood. 

Relationships are often the biggest challenge for those who survived trauma in their childhood. Since their past is full of pain and hurt, they may come to expect the same in the future. Consequently, they often have trouble connecting with others, develop unhealthy attachment styles, have trust issues, and live with mental illnesses. Read on to learn more about how these issues develop as well as how they affect relationships in adulthood. 

Avoiding Relationships/Friendships

People who survived abuse in childhood or had any significant negative experience with family or friends are more likely to avoid relationships altogether in adulthood. There are a few reasons for this. 

Some people with traumatic childhoods isolate themselves to break the cycle of toxic relationships. Since many survivors often attract abusive and toxic relationships as a form of reenactment (which will be discussed later in this article), the cycle of abuse can continue well into adulthood. To these survivors, isolation seems like the only option.

Other people believe they are not good enough for love or friendships because of what they have experienced in the past. A childhood full of insults, manipulation, or physical abuse can make them subconsciously believe that they deserve to be alone, making it difficult for them to even try to connect with anyone. 

Attachment Issues

Attachment theory is an important concept in psychology and refers to how we create bonds with other people. 

Attachment is primarily influenced by the bond between parents/caregivers and babies but can have a lasting impact on all relationships throughout our lives. Babies who are given the freedom to explore their world but can return to their mothers for support and nurturing grow up with a secure attachment style. This means that they will have high self-esteem and develop strong relationships in adulthood. 

However, trauma, abuse, or any negative relationship with caregivers often creates a different attachment style. The other three primary attachment types are anxious, disorganized, and avoidant.

Though the other styles are beyond the scope of this article, these three attachment styles are known to cause many problems in relationships, such as distancing oneself, becoming too clingy, shutting down one’s emotions, and aggression. As you can imagine, all these behaviors are often obstacles to forming healthy and satisfying relationships. 

Trauma Reenactment

Trauma reenactment involves repeating the trauma in some way. This can include repeating certain thoughts or emotions or cycling through patterns that reenact the trauma in some way. 

A common example of this is a survivor of childhood abuse frequently falling in love with partners that remind them of their abuser. Despite wanting a better life, the survivor finds themselves attracted to these people and repeats the same cycle of abuse and fear that they survived in childhood. The cycle may repeat until the survivor consciously avoids these relationships by working with a therapist or conducting inner work. 

Lack of Trust

If the adults or peers in someone’s childhood were untrustworthy, then the survivor is bound not to trust many people in adulthood. It’s hard for someone to be trusting when their childhood was full of disappointment or fear. So it’s completely understandable that those who were surrounded by people who couldn’t keep their promises or showed erratic, abusive, or unsafe behavior are often not trusting. 

However, trust is critical for any healthy relationship. A lack of trust may be used to keep the survivor safe, but it also prevents them from forming satisfying relationships. Because of their distrust, they may believe their partner will hurt them, cheat on them, or leave them. Those who don’t learn to trust again often live lonely lives. 

Mental Health Conditions

Survivors of abuse rarely walk away completely unscathed. Childhood abuse takes its toll mentally and can lead to a variety of mental health conditions. Studies have shown that there is often a link between childhood trauma and the development of depression and anxiety. 

However, there are many other mental health conditions that a survivor may develop, including:

• PTSD

• ADHD

• Personality Disorders

• Bipolar Disorder

• Dissociative Disorders

• Learning Disabilities

Mental illnesses and psychological disorders can be quite a hurdle in relationships. Those who live with mental illnesses often have a unique way of seeing the world and different communication styles and relationship needs. Unfortunately, this often causes conflicts and misunderstandings with friends and loved ones. 

Final Thoughts

Though childhood trauma can make relationships in adulthood challenging, there is hope for treatment and improvement. Through mindfulness and therapy, survivors can work on the issues that are preventing them from experiencing loving and fulfilling relationships. Through these and other treatment options, many survivors have been able to rebuild their lives and develop successful and healthy relationships despite their challenging past.