The Way Fathers Are

Father’s day is just around the corner (its tomorrow), and that is why we see shops lined with emotionally infused, cute gifts, Archie’s leading them all. In my opinion father’s day is a capitalist venture of the west to sell its products. These ramblings aside, as a child I used to celebrate this day with awkward wishes and handmade gifts. As I grew up, the entire thing seemed superficial to me. This was because of an observation: fathers are rarely the way they are shown on the web…and the way fathers actually are is rarely acknowledged by mainstream cultural portals. The depiction of fathers, especially the Indian Father in mainstream culture contrasts with what we observe in daily life. In the movies fathers are of two types: the supportive, modern parent who helps in escapades, or the ultra-strict father who rules everyone. But my father, your father and most people’s father is a bit different.

They are a strange mix of a multitude of characteristics. They aren’t always openly affectionate, and say ‘ok, good’ instead of I Love You. There are so many times when they have wanted to say more, much more, but the words stuck in their heart never make it past their lips. I have often wondered why dads need to be so uptight…and it is because they have been modeled to be so, molded after their own fathers. They are taught to be men: unexpressive, responsible pillars of the family, so much so that they find themselves unwillingly turning to stone. The societal image of ‘man’ can never look like the true image of ‘father’. To suppress feelings in situations you want to express love, to pat on the back when you want to hug, to look out of the window when you feel like crying but you can’t. Ultimately you can’t. Even when you want to. You can’t!

Many of us complain about stoic fathers who don’t seem to care, their roles reduced to an authoritative figure who grants money and permission for various things. You don’t seek their approval, you seek their validation. Do you think fathers chose to be so? To be confined in a box and nod at you when they want to hold your hand and smile; as children we might have experienced some affection of this sort, but as we grow up, we become distant from our fathers. We reek of rebellion, viewing them as old-fashioned, someone who does not understand us. But we tried to explain them, have we? Nor do we ever see their side…

A man who raised you knows your true nature. He might not know your taste in music, or even your favorite color, but he knows the part that matters. He knows what makes you laugh, what food you secretly eat in the middle of the night, how you looked when you uttered your first word and it was “mom”. He does know you. And you know him too, but just in a way different than you know others. Rewind your memory, when was the last time you had a proper conversation with your father, other than asking for things, complaining about things, arguing about things and passing the baton to your mother…I can’t remember. I want to have that conversation with my father, I want him to say ‘I love you’ and not ‘ok, good’. But then I remind myself there is more than one way to show love, and ‘ok, good’ is as good as a declaration of love. He loves, even if doesn’t say. He is with me, even if from a distance we both don’t know how to cover. He loves me, and that is enough.