Hey ex-best friend,
I hope you are doing fine. I know you are.
I have heard about you excelling in all the things you like; your friend circle, your photography and your life.
And genuinely speaking, I am very happy for the same.
I also know that you are going far away from here, from this city, from all of us.
A new chapter is waiting ahead after all.
Maybe we are never going to meet again.
Maybe you'll never have to see my face again even by mistake.
It is finally going to end forever.
Everything that we shared. The bond which I trusted the most at one point in my life will dissolve into thin air as if it never existed.
I'm writing this for just one reason; which is to liberate you from any guilt; in case you have any. Also, in search of an explanation.
I'm so sorry for everything that happened.
I'm really sorry.
I never ever meant to hurt you in any way.
And I also forgive you with all my heart, trust me, I have nothing against you. I'll take you back in a blink if you come back. I didn't mind any abuse, I know you were hurt. It was alright. I understand that.
Just know, that I have forgotten all that.
The day you left, I had no idea you will never look back again.
I have waited here for you, for years now.
I still have hopes that you will realize all of this one day and find your way back.
I know, I too have let you down and I feel so bad about it that I can't frame and put it here.
Despite everything, like I said, I have nothing against you.
I have no idea why you hate me so much.
And to be real honest, I miss you. I just do and there's no halt to this.
I don't understand how you managed to forget all those happy times that we had. I know I can't make you feel the same again.
I swear to God I miss you everyday since then.
I'm sorry that I got angry at every little thing but don't you see how I used to come back running myself?
I have forgotten everything, every reason that we had a fight on. I have realize how none of the reasons mattered anyway.
I'm just so sorry.
I miss how you used to call me your brother and I got so happy to hear it from you.
I miss how you used to share everything.
I miss how I was a place for you to collapse.
I miss how you made me feel as if I finally meant something to someone.
I miss the times when you used to be drunk on emotions and asked me never to leave you alone and I felt as if I had finally found a person who thinks like me.
I miss how we planned things for the future.
I just miss you.
I'm not a saint, I'm just a human; So fallible.
I know how badly I messed it up.
I ruined everything.
I promise I'll never do anything like that again.
I also promise not to remind you of the past anyday.
But believe me, everything that happened was involuntary; I never saw this coming.
I'm sorry that I let you down in all the times you needed me.
I hate how only one reason shattered everything between us but I know, there's something else too; maybe.
I can't accept that a single thing can make us fall apart like that. I won't accept this.
We were not so weak.
I have nothing left with me except the memories which are safely tucked in some unknown corners of my mind.
What is my fault ? What have “I" done ?
What did I do to deserve so much hate?
Please stop punishing me so much. Please. I can't take so much.
Even if you want to end us then do it, if it will please you. I'm no one to stop. But please don't blame it on me like that. Don't make me feel that I'm the only reason for us ending.
I know it won't affect you but I can't fathom how much I have cried. I just wish we met at some other point in life. I can't take this anymore.
Please be loud and clear.
Even after all this time and all this that I have gone through, I am still not able to hate you. I just cannot. I don't know why.
I swear if I could turn back time, I would never let that thing happen to us.
Now I feel as if I was the only one who wanted you, you never wanted me. I don't know. I can't control my head from thinking such things anymore.
It is just that no one had ever made me feel that important like you did. I will never be able to give up on you. I don't know why.
Whenever someone, even you, tell me that you've changed, I accept it superficially but some part of me inside has always denied it.
I know the boy I called my brother still lives inside you.
Maybe now he just wants to hide his vulnerability and innocence behind a cold drape.
I don't know. I just don't understand what took you so far away from me.
I feel so guilty that I couldn't love you enough to make you stay.
I failed in saving us.
The day you gave up on us, I decided that I, alone will keep this alive but you see how I have failed. I'm so sorry for everything.
I just wish I had you back.
I just wish you and I didn't take each other for granted.
Anyway, it's been so long now, I don't know how your mind has changed or how it perceives things now.
But I do know that you are still there inside. I just wish that we forget everything and have a new beginning.
I want you to know that despite everything, I still can't change myself. I'm the same. I still want you to get back to where we were.
I'm sorry for everything.
And also, I wish you have a much better life there.
I have released all the pain and so called grudges. I never had the latter in the first place. I hope you will do the same too.
And please make me embrace all this failure or make me forget it all.
Please don't keep me halfway here. Will you?
When we fell down to the Earth, I raised my walls higher to guard myself from any sort of human relationship for the time being, and trust me, I wanted to stretch that 'time being' into a forever.
I had lost faith in the essence of friendships or any relationship outside family but things have changed.
Now, I have outgrown you. I am tearing my own walls down, for the world to see what I have always been.
I have installed great flexibility within because I know how vast the human spectrum is and how important it is to adjust.
I have changed and now I radiate out honesty as gracefully as I can, even if it makes people retract around me.
I know what misplaced words are capable of doing and I'm bringing my tongue under absolute control.
I churn words inside my mouth a little longer than I used to. I taste them before exhaling them to the wind.
I know now, what resilience is.
At one point, I grew with you, I still respect that but now there's no place for either of us to grow. I have accepted this reality and I have released you from my life like a soft prayer.
When I say I have nothing against you, I mean it.
I hope we run into each other in the future in a different city and I hope you will have the answers that I want, or better, I hope I don't need them when that day comes.
Wishing you all the luck you need and more.