Trapped.

Do you feel like nobody gets you? It’s like you are all alone even if you are surrounded by people. The room is full, you are empty. The irony is you know you have demons within but once you plaster a fake smile, nobody can tell. Nobody has the time to see through you. It looks like everything is ok, and a lot of times you feel that too, whereas in reality everything is just wrong. I am just so tired battling with my own self, with my own thoughts, with my own mind.

I tell myself that there are people out there with real problems and that I should stop making a fuss out of all my small issues. I cant see my problem, probably I don’t even have it. I cant be so selfish. But why is it that everytime my mind decides to play with me I am unable to stop it. You are ugly. You are not accepted. You are not enough. You are an embarrassment. You are a failure. It’s like anything positive just vanishes and all is left are a bunch of insults.

I feel so unhappy when this happens. I feel like I have no one. I feel like nobody gets me. I feel like I’m never going to be good enough because there will always be someone better than me. It’s so tiring. Every time I’m feeling ok and a comment pops up that is not even that offensive but offensive enough to make me feel like shit, just ruins me. It ruins my whole mood. It’s like everything I believe about myself is validated. A piece of trash, a girl nobody will ever love, a girl nobody will ever notice, a girl that’s trying for nothing, a girl that is pretty but not pretty enough for society. It just hurts.

I don’t want to let people’s opinions to get to me. I want to be able to like myself and not let others ruin that for me, but I can’t. I try to.But in the end I end up overthinking it and it just suddenly makes me feel even more shit. I don’t know how I became so insecure in the first place. Maybe because I never felt like I fit in. Maybe because I never felt wanted. Maybe because I always compared myself to others. I don’t know what to do. I try to look in the mirror. To actually see myself and appreciate myself but then I end up remembering that there is someone better than me and everything goes to waste.

I hate moments like this one. Moments where I feel trapped in my own body, head and self. They say it’s ok not to be ok but why does this not feel like it? It’s not ok. It really isn’t. And whoever said it is clearly doesn’t know how this feels like. And is even worse because of the society we live in. It’s like nobody accepts to see you. They only want someone perfect. But like, who is perfect? I mean you can fake perfect but you can’t be perfect so I guess they fall for that. And like I always try not to let that get to me (like everything else) but the more I try the more it gets to me. It’s exhausting cause like every time I try to fly I end up falling with a higher impact than the one I started with and I’m left bruised and scratched but not physically.

Mentally.

Which is even worse