Let Me Be Silly This Time...

And when I thought things started to go the way I had wanted it to be, you had to return.

You returned like the prodigal son, all worn out, exploited, begging for forgiveness.

" Immature mistakes " is what you termed them. And when I stood my ground, not letting you in, you told me " Don't be silly. "

"Silly?"

You call my nights spent hoping for that one text silly?
You call those terrible dark days I spent waiting for you silly?
Those tears I shed, those desperate attempts to putting an end to my worthless life silly?
Those sleeping pills I had to consume every night, those motivational books I had to read to keep myself together.

Is it all silly?
You have no idea how difficult your departure had been - how much it took everything inside of me to hold myself together and will myself to see another day. Mornings were difficult, you know, I couldn't face the idea of existing just one more day without you.

I had been a loving corpse and now when this corpse has finally learnt to live without holding on to anything, you can't have her back, asking her to not be silly.

I can't let all those days of frustration and pain to go down the drain.
That happened for a reason - happened so that I could realise that " I can't live without you " is a myth. If you try hard enough, everything is possible.
And darling, this time I can't let everything happen to me all over again.
I don't say your promises are fake - maybe you really won't let me down this time but I'm already in love with someone else.
And that " someone else " is me .
I'm learning to love myself and I really want this to work.

So , let me work on this love story of mine - The love story I have with myself.

You know , even after all these , it's difficult to let you go. Maybe I'll cry too but that's what strong people do. Things hurt but they gradually overcome it.
And you'll still be first love. And then when I sit down to scroll through my gallery - finding our pictures , holding hands , maybe I'll smile a little and when our favourite songs will blast from stereo , I'll remember all those beautiful evenings we spent together.

And when our eyes meet on the road someday , smile a little knowing that we had happened . We could sit somewhere laughing at all the nuisances we had done for each other.

I don't think I'll ever be able to unlove you but that love can never be able to compensate the love I have for myself.

So darling, let me be silly this time.
Let me love myself a little more this time.
~ Kaninika Dey.