I Left

I left…
Yes I did, I did leave you behind, yes I never turned back because maybe this one time, for this one time I did walk for myself, I never turned back for myself, I never stopped for my own self…

I left because you never asked me to stay, I left because I was alone even when I was with you, I left because I wasn’t home even when I was sitting right by your side. I left because you could never make out the difference between my sorrow and smile.

For the first time I left because darling ‘I wanted to’.

After all that I had with you, leaving you behind was like leaving a piece, a huge piece of my heart behind, leaving it at a place where I shall never return. A place which was once mine but now had no place for my existence. I left it, left it there, right there.

From waking up to your thought to falling asleep thinking about you. From smiling wide with gloomy eyes to waking up with swollen, puffed up, red eyes.

From trying to know the space to trying to look intellectual.

From bunking my classes to coming for the extra classes.
From fighting with my family to leaving behind my friends.

I did everything, everything that I could! Everything that I could have done just to make it work like one of those ideal relationships, the one which I had always dreamt of! Maybe it was never your fault, maybe it was me, always. Maybe I had created my own picture for a relationship which was far too idealistic to be real.

But then, hadn’t you promised me that you will always fulfil all my dreams? Hadn’t you promised me that you will always have my back, hadn’t you promised me stand by me whenever I am weak on my knees?

Hadn’t you?
But you tell me, how can I trust a person to help me stand up again when he was the same person to pin me right onto the ground?

I left because I couldn’t let myself accept the toxic love, I couldn’t poison myself deliberately, I couldn’t let myself get addicted to your conditional love. I couldn’t do this to myself, so I left…

Back then maybe I never wanted to leave, never. But now I am thankful with all I have that I did.

People say fight for your love, don’t give up. I did fight, I fought with all that I had, fought as much as I could, but maybe I fought to hold onto you while you fought to push me away…

And now I walk. I walk alone on my own path, a path that takes me far away, far away from you, from my past, from all the broken pieces and shattered glasses.

Now I walk thinking that maybe whatever I was fighting for something which was never mine, I walk thinking the shoulders which belong to me will find me sooner or later in life..

Now I walk leaving you and your memories behind…

And now you know, why I left.

-Nivedita Singh.