Guilt - A Feeling Of Regret

GUILT a small word but the most terrifying feeling to deal with.We human beings are not perfect , we make mistakes , and some mistakes are terrible, it makes you regret every single decision you took after an action.Today I am going to share a story which makes me feel guilty for some actions I took in my life.

So I had this friend let's call him "L" , I met him in a coaching class and we've been more like brothers than friends ever since.He was an intelligent student always used to score good marks . We passed our 12th boards , he obviously scored good marks in every subject than me . I wasn't jealous of him , he was kind and honest person ,he came from one of the drought areas of India .He wasn't one of those rich kids , he had a lower middle class family and due to this I was happy he was doing well in his life . So after getting low grades I decided to take admission in Bsc.Computer Science and he wanted to clear UPSC exam so decided to take admission in Bsc.Statistics so he could give more time for his UPSC preparation.Fortunately , we got accepted in the same college ,I was glad he was with me .

Eventually after a while I decided to fill out Engineering forms as well , I wasn't sure if I would get admitted in a reputed college ,but I got admitted .During filling out my form I had suggested him to apply for Engineering as well . Now this was the greatest mistake I ever did in my life and I regret it now and will for the rest of my life . Luckily we again bagged the same college but different branch.It didn't bother me because we still had the same college meant we can still meet and hangout very often.So we started our Engineering journey.

First semester results got declared and he had cleared all subject with flying marks and I had failed in one subject [KT is a common word we use when someone gets failed in any subject] so obviosly I was very disappointed . In next semester I cleared that subject and got failed in another subject and this time he failed in the same subject as well[Every first engineering branches have the same subjects]but luckily the got grace marks because he fulfilled certain conditions to obtain those marks and I couldn't.

Second Year first semester , from this semester every branch have its core subjects , so there weren't any common subject between us now.He struggled a lot to understand those core concepts and could't handle them and got failed in 3 subjects .And this time I failed in 2 subjects but wasn't disappointed cause I was used to it. But it took a huge toll on him to accept this reality and the result of this was, he got depressed.He always asked for help like what he should do now , and me having absolutely no idea what I could do to help him just tried to motivate him and asked him to focus on the weak subjects and ask the professors for help.But I guess it didn't help him , later he got into counselling and I guess it was doing thing he was recovering fast , he used to smile more often .Then came the First exam of Second Year- second semester ,a week before the exam was about to start I asked him to let's go someplace to hangout and he rejected me because he had his brother to visit him.As I was extremely bored and he rejected me I was furious at him and hanged up the call.But it was a common gesture and he too gave me a laugh and told me that we could go tomorrow but I hanged up the call without replying.

The next day ,in the afternoon I was having a nap and a friend called me and gave me the most terrifying news I could ever listen he said "L has committed suicide",I was like what he can't do that,and I asked him whether he was ok now and he said "He's dead" ,I was about to throw up, I couldn't believe this was happening to me . I rushed to the hospital and I was still not believing the boy who was laying on the stretcher was my friend , my brother .It was a mixed feeling I could't understand what to do ,I wasn't even crying ,I just stood there watching his pale body and recalling every single moment we had .I couldn't understand the grief of the moment , because just a day before we talked to each other on the phone and he seemed pretty happy and 24hrs later he wasn't even with us anymore.The next day it hit me when I passed by his house and reached college and I cried and cried clinging to my friend.

And so after some months the results got declared and here I was passing each and every subject could't believe right?even I didn't believed , but I wasn't happy about it as it was me who suggested my so called brother to apply for engineering and all this happened .

This is the biggest regret of my life that I told him to get into engineering ,I wasn't there when he needed a friend the most and I live with that guilt every single day of my life.Not a day goes by , that I don't miss him .