Letter To You

I’ll be honest, I still dream of you and the times when you held my hand and called me beautiful and said I was everything you wanted. I still remember the times when you pulled your shit together to make me feel better. I still remember your hand reaching for mine, your hesitation when you tried grabbing me in for a hug. I still remember the way you looked at me like I was all you needed. And you are all I need.

But, I know you couldn’t do it for any longer. I know you couldn’t keep trying to juggle a relationship and everything else on your plate. Because to be honest, it affected us even more. You’re pushing me away and you always have and I can’t take it. I can’t take how you think I’m going to leave and for good reason, because I already left. So I ended it. Because you were going through too much and I wasn’t feeling like you wanted it as much as I did.

And I know, you’d think I’m just missing the relationship and not you, but for fuck’s sake I fucking know a mistake when I make one. I know all your guards are up again and I know you keep shutting each door in my face when I’m just about to make it through one. But you know, I can see past you telling me to leave but prolonging conversation. I can see past you blocking me but unblocking me. I can see past you getting upset randomly but confiding in me. You want to trust someone. You’re just scared.

And that’s why I’m going to pull my shit together and stop getting upset when you insist you can’t trust me anymore or call me terrible things. I know, I should give you space but you’re in a fog you made for yourself. Layer after layer and now you’re lost and I’m looking for myself in you and I don’t understand either. You’re gonna tell me to quit if I told you. You’d tell me to stop being stupid and leave.

I can’t. You taught me everything I wanted to know. You taught me how to love. And you might be toxic and no good but I fucking know your potential. You have issues and jumping in and being your girlfriend is no good idea. I want you happy. And I can put aside wanting to hold your hand or imaging you cuddled next to me if it means I can try and progress and be the person no one else has been able to fill. I’m going to stay. And no, I’m not romanticizing anything. You’re fucking toxic and you’re draining everyone away but not me and that’s because I can see past your fucking bullshit.

If I talk to you about this, you’ll tell me to suck it up and leave. You’ll say you won’t put up with my bullshit. But you do. You’ve put up with my bullshit and even though I left, I’ve been here from the start and I’m going to continue being there for you. You try and let me in, even if you shut the door before I make it, because you want someone. You need someone. And I’m here.

I’m here because I fucking care. Because you're you and I'm me and I love you, I fucking love you for how you changed everything for me. You showed me how to keep living when you didn't want to. You showed me how to keep dealing with abuse when you let it happen. You put me in front of you and it's my turn so YOU suck it up and deal because I'm not leaving. Why? Because you want me here.

Not really, I want you to want me here.