I wonder why he had to come to me today! Is it the wine? Or he is just using it to blame on it the next morning? Whatever factor it is, he seems so happy. It’s so easy for him to break me. In a fraction of second he breaks me down physically to the floor and mentally into whole other lower class level of a different world where weakness is what is fed, where I need to strive for the last shred of life to live. Yes, he drags me there every time. I am afraid, in this process of winning this shred of life, if someday I lose, there would be no more of me left anymore. What would he do then? Will he not miss my laughter which he gave me during the time allotted to him?
I wonder within those four walls he is a different person and outside the masked actor who loves to perform. I fear that person. I fear when he denies to recognize me as the same girl he made love to the other night.
My world is within the four walls with him. And it is every Tuesday night. In a matter of time I could not segregate my work and my life with him and fell in love with him. Out of all the men out there I chose him to break my heart. How long would it take you to know an actor? Yes, the actor who loves to perform. Leaving aside my emotions as I see him and not in a Tuesday night, I felt may be he has something to tell.
But for him it was usual, he had nothing to talk. He came on directly to the business as all the other men come to me and as he does it. His way, the rough kind. But then he stopped. Stopped treating me as he wanted. He looked at me from above as I was down below. I did not wanted him to know me. Being good at his job, the actor knows ‘reading in between the lines’ which I forbid. He enjoys being at the top, he enjoys giving commands. But for not a Tuesday night it came on different. As he kissed me, for the first time I felt he enjoyed. He tasted like the overpriced wine you get not every day. I made a new setup for a while as we are not in the same routine so why the same old red room? “On a high mountain. As I lay down as he is still upon me, behind him I saw those peeking stars ready to tell the world about us. I smiled like a little girl inside me who has a prince. The warmth that came from him made the cool breeze and rocks easy on us. Each kiss left me yearning and each touch stoked my desire. The sky got coated blue by more blue each time the clock ticked. Painted a darker shade each time he disrobed my desires. ” I suddenly open my eyes, he is still there. He smoked while he talked. He treated me like his own girl. He slept over me and talked about his work, his life and his wife whom he loves. I get back into my senses and then realize why he has to bring wine today.
He went back dressing himself, as I laid acting to sleep. He threw the money on the bed and went. He went to his wife and children, I went back to my red room. As he had to go, he again had to leave me roofless with every dark monsters residing under the bed to come out as I make love to another man. That day was not a Tuesday but not less painful than every other Tuesday! I guess the actor read me well when he had stopped to see me. Since then I have not seen him. I think he likes when I am in his mind and not in his sight, or am I just consoling myself? Yet everything was perfect but for once.