A Letter To My Closest

Dear Maa,

How are you? I know a handwritten letter is a sudden surprise for you, right. But, there are few things that have left my heart curious, and I’m searching for answers for the last four years. Maa please help me with them.

I remember how you used to sew my every deep necked tops, but why? Were you ashamed of the little fold that your daughter gets near her neck? Or were you afraid that someday I’ll be body-shamed as well? Because Maa, if it is the latter one, I can promise you that your daughter is neither afraid nor can be crumbled by any comment. You never allowed me to wear ripped jeans that showed my thigh skin, or shorts. Maa, are you still afraid of how the society judges me, because the people in the society are mean and bad. But, don’t worry. Because I’ve realised whoever judges me by my attire does not need my attention.

I still don’t get it why you don’t allow me to go out with two boys, if there is not another girl accompanying. Is it still because the stupid society? Is it still the judgments of people? You asked me not to be over frank with my boy friends, but why? But you never mind if I’m over frank with my girlfriends. Don’t you think your concern should be both ways, if your concern is that I’m giving them a green light signal to pin me down. Or else it shouldn’t be a concern.

You ask me to come back before its too late. But Maa, the hour hand of the clock does not write my character certificate. My deeds do.

I remember you saying, that I couldn’t do any belly dancing classes because in a small town like the one I lived, belly dancing was an outrageous form of expressing talent. Because dancing with the beautiful movements of hips and waist and belly was vulgar.

You still do not allow me to go to the market at night all by myself because it is dark. But Maa, I’m not afraid of the dark nor I’m afraid of the dark mindset of the people.

You are afraid when I let out my voice. You say, its okay to have an opinion but not necessary to give it a voice. I don’t want to play dumb. I want to show my opinions, my thoughts. I want to be a reason why others, like me, speak up. I know I should protect myself, but Maa, vulnerability takes courage and I’m not ready to be taken down by any cowardice comment behind my back.

Maa, you have always said that society is bad. The people are bad. But Maa, we are the society, we are the people. The change begins with us. With you, with me. If we change, we give courage to hundreds of people to change, to let out a voice for their thoughts, to let go of the cages to their thoughts.

Maa, I don’t want to hurt you. I know you want to protect me. You want me to be safe. But I have grown up seeing you. I have seen how you fought for your right to do job against the family. I’ve seen how skilfully you have managed to earn a share for a living, and make a beautiful home to live in. I have seen that you were not afraid to let out your voice, and I know you know the pain of suffering. I know you don’t want me to go through the same judgements, comments and pain. But Maa, I’m your daughter. I am made of the same fierceness and strength. You don’t have to worry about me. I am ready to go through this. Just stand by me.

Believe in me. Let me be the person I want to be, because I am not afraid of the cruel coward remark of these mortal bodies that’ll perish one day. I am afraid that I’ll regret not trying out, not giving myself a chance.

Maa, you need not do anything. Just help me in this fight by only supporting me. I promise, I won’t crumble down.

I promise.

Yours truly,
Still-your-little-girl