Hope You Still Think Of Me

Hi. How are you doing? Do you still look out of the window in the middle of the night because you can’t sleep? Must be because of the two huge spoons of coffee you poured into your warm milk and had without any grain of sugar.

I heard you shifted to some fancy, big city and live there. I bet the view is beautiful. You must be spending hours there to write down your new songs. And I hope, sometimes, you think of me.

I remember singing to Sonu Nigam and you screaming at me and switching off the DVD player. You used to bring your guitar and play it to your favorite country music, and I’d just stare at you and wonder how beautiful your face is.

Such amazing days they were.

The first day we met still stands out in my memory lane. My first ever college fest. Not that I was much interested (I can see you make faces when you read it), but peer pressure (don’t widen your eyes), so I left my bed that day. I heard some concert going on, and voila! You were playing. I can bet on the fact that you were the typical guitarist boy many girls crushed on. And I did too. I don’t know what it felt but all I remember is the race of my heart could turn Bruce Banner green. And that evening somehow you walked up to me. I did not know what to say. But you seemed the most genuine person I’ve ever met.

After that, I remember hanging out together. Movies, lunches, basketball. With every passing moment, my feeling for you just seemed to increase. And one day, I just let it out. Back then, I was so bad at holding back what I felt. I have learned it now, though. You did not talk to me for a full day. I spammed your message inbox with ‘sorry’s. But your reply! Boy, you don’t know how happy that made me when you said you felt the same way.

But now when I think, I guess I should’ve kept quiet. I should’ve known that our fate was doomed.

You asked me to keep quiet and keep our relation low-key. Back then I never understood why. I remember the petty fights we had when I wanted to post a picture with you on Facebook. You feared that people would start doubting. I understand now.

Anyways college was fun. Bunking classes, going on trips, and having you by my side.

Remember how tensed we were that we’d be placed in two different cities? I prayed to all possible Gods, just for us to be fated in the same city. Prayers answered, and both of our luggage was packed for Lucknow.Finding a rental apartment was never difficult for us. And my parents anyways considered us to be just “best friends”.

I still laugh at how we acted like a typical couple. You used to do the cooking and me the laundry part. I used to shout on you for leaving your clothes all over the house. Remember, we made a checklist that we’d together clean our house every alternate Sunday, complete our works and watch How I Met Your Mother eating two large Pizzas.

Days were great but did not last long. 2010. You left your job because you wanted to continue your music. We had a fight because I was scared of your future. Then, my transfer letter came. I had to leave. I guess I should’ve understood that was the beginning of the end.

Hey, did your mom yet not ask you to get married. Because I remember too clearly the day when mine asked me to.

I saw my parents talking about my marriage, and I thought I should let them know. I went to my parents and told. I saw their faces turn to colorless. After a minute of silence, my mom started crying. And my dad stood up and said a “NO”. His voice was so firm that I knew he would not move from his decision.

But I cross-questioned him with a loud “why?”

He said, “Why? Because he is a boytoo and what will people say.”

That’s it. What will people say? I called you to tell you everything, and I thought you’d say that we’ll go through this together. But you didn’t. you should know what you said shattered me. When you said “it’s okay, I knew it”, you should’ve known I did not. When you said that we should end our relationship, you should’ve known I was not prepared for it.

I was grounded for three long days. My phone was snatched. Funny right, how a 25-year-old boy is kept grounded by his parents so that he could not contact his lover, the only truth about him. But guess what, I did not even want to. Because I lost all the hopes when the boy I loved gave up on me.

Six months later I got married to his highly qualified girl. She has a qualification from IIM and my parents kept bragging about it for around two months. And that annoyed me to death.

I have a four-year-old daughter now. She is growing up. The other day she came across a picture of us, I told her that’s my best friend. My wife asks why I never told her about you. Stupid being thinks I’ve told her everything. And to mention, even more stupid is the government. They think that if you abolish Article 377 “what will people think” changes.

Anyways, I just want you to know that I have no more grudges on you. I read once “you should not hold your grudges on what once made you happy”. And if I see my past, you made me truly happy, because you are the truth of my life. You are that part of life where I was me, and I was not being judged at all. Thanks for happening.

Too cliché? Well, you deal with that.
Well, I’ll end. Cheers to another email saved as a draft.

Yours forever,
The boy who wishes you still think of him.