My agony pain life

I've learnt that life has nothing to loose

Nothing to gain many times

At fiftythree my dad says 

He's never cared about me

Even I've never bothered

We never had conversation


In my life

It was like

Just ten days ago

I've come to Ahmedabad to catch flight

To meet my family eagerly

And now I'm in flight back to Ahmedabad

My mom was crying

We would have been 

To Kanchipuram

Mahabalipuram

Arunachalam


It didn't happen

Even I should have traveled on tenth

And today is fifth


How pity is my situation

How guilty I am

To come to home

(Which has never existed)


What for I am living

Earning

Just to live alone

I'm literally tired 

I don't want to think 

"Out of box"

My inbox itself is empty


None to love

None to love ME

In what situation I am

Even my sister was disappointed

My dad has asked me though " to stay back "

But, that wasn't possible


Even I'm carrying pain in my veins and arteries


Tomorrow, I'll travel to indore

I might be visiting several places

I'll be alone

Lot of disappointmnts

Dissatisfactions

In ten days


Y my life's so boring

It's out of both my curiosity and expectations


My mind was free only when I was out of my house (no more home)

For journey


It's rediculous

My dad act retarded

And the behaviour is known

It's been two decades

I'm watching him...


I failed to fix myself with his lifestyle and ideology

No harmony no peace


Just I'd like to discontinue

All the bonds with him

As they're being/have been

Forced on me...


One year

Two year

Ten year

Two decade


And on...

I'm out of it

I'm alive

I want to be

I'm myself

Better alone

Better lonely

I've practiced

To walk alone


I'm and will be sorry

For my mother

As she was crying

What I could do

I wanted to gift her something in silver

As only silver is what

I can get buy purchase

She denied

Asked me to keep the money


Even to my dad I wished

To gift a silver chain


Would never happen

Let it be...


Let the things go on

I know and am well aware

That life will welcome me

But it would be too late by then

Even now it's already time out

I'm 26 years old...


Running out of age time

Love and passion

They're dying slowly

Secretly

Suffocating suffering 

Getting no mercy

Striving starving


And I'm just watching

Wondering

Wandering


...


What should I do?


Have been to temples

Has made prayers

Asking peace

And getting the peace dissolved in violence

And the violence into vaccum silence


Deep desires are being stabbed by time

And choices aren't showing any fruits


What for?

Y so


No clue has ever been found

Though many times I thought it's fate or life

Let me accept

But, again, I'm tired

Torned


How to kill these tragic and demotivating moments

How to surf these suffering

How to foe the violence

How to move on

How to draw a line for happiness 

How to try


No more clues

No more equations

Just I cannot skip this 

So rude I was 

To argue energetically

With my dad

He's so foolish

I was abusive

He made me do that

I'm shameful

I'm guilty too

To be his son

To return to home


I should distance myself

From emotions

No other option available

But, again

What my life is

So paused 

Soo unworthy


No clue yet on 5 November 2018

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