My Agony - Mera Dard

My agony pain life

I've learnt that life has nothing to loose
Nothing to gain many times
At fiftythree my dad says
He's never cared about me
Even I've never bothered
We never had conversation

In my life
It was like
Just ten days ago
I've come to Ahmedabad to catch flight
To meet my family eagerly
And now I'm in flight back to Ahmedabad
My mom was crying
We would have been
To Kanchipuram
Mahabalipuram
Arunachalam

It didn't happen
Even I should have traveled on tenth
And today is fifth

How pity is my situation
How guilty I am
To come to home
(Which has never existed)

What for I am living
Earning
Just to live alone
I'm literally tired
I don't want to think
"Out of box"
My inbox itself is empty

None to love
None to love ME
In what situation I am
Even my sister was disappointed
My dad has asked me though " to stay back "
But, that wasn't possible

Even I'm carrying pain in my veins and arteries

Tomorrow, I'll travel to indore
I might be visiting several places
I'll be alone
Lot of disappointmnts
Dissatisfactions
In ten days

Y my life's so boring
It's out of both my curiosity and expectations

My mind was free only when I was out of my house (no more home)
For journey

It's rediculous
My dad act retarded
And the behaviour is known
It's been two decades
I'm watching him...

I failed to fix myself with his lifestyle and ideology
No harmony no peace

Just I'd like to discontinue
All the bonds with him
As they're being/have been
Forced on me...

One year
Two year
Ten year
Two decade

And on...
I'm out of it
I'm alive
I want to be
I'm myself
Better alone
Better lonely
I've practiced
To walk alone

I'm and will be sorry
For my mother
As she was crying
What I could do
I wanted to gift her something in silver
As only silver is what
I can get buy purchase
She denied
Asked me to keep the money

Even to my dad I wished
To gift a silver chain

Would never happen
Let it be...

Let the things go on
I know and am well aware
That life will welcome me
But it would be too late by then
Even now it's already time out
I'm 26 years old...

Running out of age time
Love and passion
They're dying slowly
Secretly
Suffocating suffering
Getting no mercy
Striving starving

And I'm just watching
Wondering
Wandering

...

What should I do?

Have been to temples
Has made prayers
Asking peace
And getting the peace dissolved in violence
And the violence into vaccum silence

Deep desires are being stabbed by time
And choices aren't showing any fruits

What for?
Y so

No clue has ever been found
Though many times I thought it's fate or life
Let me accept
But, again, I'm tired
Torned

How to kill these tragic and demotivating moments
How to surf these suffering
How to foe the violence
How to move on
How to draw a line for happiness
How to try

No more clues
No more equations
Just I cannot skip this
So rude I was
To argue energetically
With my dad
He's so foolish
I was abusive
He made me do that
I'm shameful
I'm guilty too
To be his son
To return to home

I should distance myself
From emotions
No other option available
But, again
What my life is
So paused
Soo unworthy

No clue yet on 5 November 2018