For Dear Daddy

As I took the call, my father’s deep baritone voice hit my ears with the same controlling effect, it has had for years- “You must have something to fall back upon. What are you going to do if things get wrong?”

Ever since I was a child, I had seen him be like this. He has always tried to use pain as a leverage to push me into doing something good in my life, and that has been his modus operandi.

There are two ways you can motivate someone. You can either use pain or you can use pleasure. With the kind of life he had lived, the experiences that he had had in his life, he thought pain would work better.

If I have a safety net, am I truly going to be able to jump across the abyss onto the other side knowing that if I fall, I’ll be safe? I don’t need that safety net. In fact, that safety net is going to be a disadvantage. I wanted to have so much fear of whatever it is. So much passion, so much aggression, so much frustration; just that drive to be able to make it to the other side, because if I don’t, I die. There is no second chance. I have to do it, one way or the other. I don’t want a safety net. In fact, if you’ll give me a safety net, I will tear it bloody apart. I want to know if I have it in me. I want to know if I will be able to fly. I will not be able to fly if you are going to weaken me with a safety net.

“Son, you there?” his voice punctuated my chain of thoughts.
“Yes Dad, I am here.”
“What have you decided then?”
“Okay Dad, I will take the job.”

What my father never realized and probably never will, is that having a backup option every time was a disadvantage in itself. How was I supposed to give it my all, knowing that even if things did not work out, I would still have something else to fall back upon?

The adrenaline rush that usually makes any endeavour worth the effort, is not something I could explain to him. But I knew that it was something mandatory for me to feel satisfied.

I wanted to write, I wanted to capture the world in words. And yet, when have I ever been able to stand up to him? Never. The whole emotional aspect of our relationship always makes me agree to whatever he wished for.

After all, he has spent all his life struggling to make my life as comfortable as possible and see that all my needs were fulfilled.