According to an estimate, for a successful suicide it takes 33 attempts. Failures are stepping stones to success indeed!
Being a person with suicidal tendencies (and failed attempts), let me tell you the thought process. We have inner voices. These voices compel us not to go for any other solution for our sufferings. We have trust issues. We have lower self esteem and sometimes we can go to extent of blaming ourselves for a earthquake in Japan(little exagerated).
Anyways, why I wanted to die will become another post in itself. So I am ignoring that part. Coming to my first attempt of suicide, I tried cutting my wrist(because that was the most common technique shown in movies). But the technique is not fool-proof (especially when you are hemophobic). I cut my wrist and sit quietly to die. But after a couple of minutes the injury starts burning like hell, so much that I had to apply first aid immediately. After applying first aid now I had to clean my floor. While cleaning the floor I fell unconscious (bloody hemophobia). After getting normal I continued my life after a failed suicide attempt. I was feeling a complete failure because I failed in even killing myself.
Life continued. And again I had mental breakdown. As expected, I resorted to killing myself. This time I made another plan. I went to get drowned in the ganga. I went inside the water but as I was inside water. All the scenes of “anaconda” and “black water” and all other Hollywood movies started running in my mind. I felt like something will get hold of my leg and take me to the bottom of the river and eat me. Now, I wanted to die but I had no intention of getting served as someone’s dinner platter. So I again came back to the surface with second failed attempt.
But I was determined this time. Came back to my pg. At 12’o clock, went into the bathroom with my bucket. This time I would drown my face in the bucket. I did it. Just as I started feeling it, someone started banging the door. I was like who the hell uses bathroom at 12 in night. My inner voice replied who the hell uses a bucket to die in the bathroom of a hostel. So, I came out. With water all in my ears and nose and head. I got severe headache and cold for 1 week. I had to consult a doctor. 3rd failed attempt of suicide.
Life continued. And shit happened. This time I decided of hanging myself to a rope. I arranged the table and chairs to get to the fan. I climbed up, tied the rope, put it round my neck and hung loose. Believe me when I say, at that moment I realized that dying with the rope is not a good option. I mean if you have to end the life, why feel unnecessary pressure and die. Luckily(or unluckily), suicidal people almost always have a paln B to work on if they change their mind and feet like not dying. I took out the knife from my pocket and cut the rope and fell on ground with a broken hand. Shit!
At that moment with failed suicide attempts and a broken arm I decided not to die, because the stars were not working in my favor. I gave myself an extension period of 2 months to heal my broken arm and to make a bucket list. These 2 months gave me a new perspective (not purpose) of life. (No! I didn’t meet a girl, who taught me to enjoy life and I fell in love. That would have been cliché.) I did so many new things and met so many people that I can’t sum up in 1 post.
After wasting 5 minutes of yours, I want to break some genuine myth about suicidal people.
No we don’t always want to die. At the moment they make attempt, these individuals immediately reconnect with themselves and did not want to die..
If you feel someone is having a suicidal thought, confronting them directly might help..
We don’t always feel negative..
We don't always know why we want to die..
Suicidal people are not always the ones who are depressed..
We have serious fault in our brain..
This serious fault can be treated..
P.S.1- first public post, ignore any discrepencies.
P.S.2- Seeing a psychiatrist.